Usually people get depressed over the holidays because they are lonely. They have no one other than themselves and perhaps a cat or two. In the last few weeks I have never been surrounded by more friends and family than ever. In the last two days I have been asked to play a part in two different weddings. I have a fabulous husband, and a dog who isn't as itchy lately. I couldn't really ask for more. So, tell me why my insides struggle to be happy.
This year has been a whirlwind. At the beginning of the year things were supposed to happen that didn't. Our lives were going to change, and in no way is it our fault they didn't, the stars just simply weren't aligned. I think that at times when something happens to someone you love rather than you yourself it is more crushing. It has been almost a year and I am still slightly crushed.
In the middle of the year I got a phone call that changed my career. I am really having a hard time with that right now. I like my new job, although I have struggled to find my place there, I think I have one. I am having a hard time because the very thing that I feared and my reason for quitting is going on right now. The man that I knew as boss for 12 years is currently in a hospital bed on a ventilator and they are fighting over whether or not they should send him for judgment. This is kinda like the thing before, when something happens to you its easier than when it happens to others. I am the only one that got away. Everyone else held on and now, there isn't really anything to hold onto. That is horrible to write, but its the truth. There have been times that I simply adored my boss, but there were times that I hated myself for caring about him because he was such an asshole.
I realize that I am not coming clean about either of these stories right now, but I just can't completely and may never be able to. Just deal with it.
I am listening to old dashboard right now, and part of me wishes that I could just go back to the first time that J and I saw them. I remember holding onto my throat as Chris did that throaty cry thing.
I am not sure what to do at this point. I mean, I know that I need to lose at least 5 pounds to fit into a bridesmaid dress that I have to wear in 25 days, but aside from that, I am just not sure. Radio is barking as if someone is here. If you were to walk in right now you would hear a throaty cry from Chris and find me sitting in the dark with hops to my left.
seriously, who wants to read this rubbish? I am sure you want a funny story. I just don't feel too funny right now.
A bat flew by my ear last night. That was funny.
I just read the post I wrote from 12/31/07. I talked about how my main goals were to get through the reunion and my job crisis. My goals were accomplished.
I also talked about a night that was the best night ever with friends and how I didn't think it could be duplicated. It was. So far it has been twice. Maybe it will happen again?
I am done for now. Its time to take Radio out and go to dinner.
love love
burr.
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