For as much daydreaming as I do, you would think that I am a planner. You would think that I was one of those little girls that planned her life's every moment. That knew what my wedding would be like years before I had a boyfriend. One that had my children's names picked out along with what they would wear to their first birthday party. I am not that person. As cautious and nervous as I am its probably a surprise at how I live from day to day without a definite plan.
My entire life I have been walking in a cloud of ambiguity (thanks bob), and right now isn't any different.
I am not quite sure if I want to know whether it is a boy or a girl. People say, 'don't you want to paint?' No, I really don't. It doesn't mean that I am not excited because I don't want to paint, or because I didn't go out and register the second the pink lines were visible. It doesn't mean that I don't care just because I didn't cry when I heard the heartbeat. I just don't know what to do. I'm not sure how to feel. I struggle between the feeling of excitement and the feeling of extreme ccautiousness. While, yes this was completely planned, I never had dreams of what motherhood would be like.
I'm hoping that every morning when I wake up I will be greeted by a burst of energy and a stomach that isn't queasy, so far that has yet to happen.
Please don't take this entry as being negative, its just honest.
love,
smb
Comments